How being the first to be born can affect romantic relationships later in life

Key Findings:

• Dating expert gives advice on how to navigate the potentially disruptive personality traits of an eldest child

• Eldest children can be neurotic perfectionists, competitive and impatient high-achievers – all of which can cause relationship problems

• Expert explains the positive characteristics of eldest children, including conscientiousness and extroversion

Everyone jokes about the middle child being the rebellious one while the youngest is the baby of the family. But what about eldest children? “Psychologists think birth order has a huge impact on how our personalities develop,” says April Davis, founder of LUMA Luxury Matchmaking, a high-end matchmaking service. 

Dating the eldest child can have benefits, but there are also pitfalls to avoid. Here, April discusses some potential problematic personality traits shared by many eldest children and explains how to work with them successfully.

The Double-Edged Sword Of Responsibility

The eldest child often feels great responsibility toward their younger siblings. While this can translate positively into their adult lives, making them the kind of people who are great team players and organisers, it can also have negative effects. As the eldest child is often the authority figure among their siblings, they can feel like they have to be the authority figure in all their relationships.  

“Romantic relationships are about give and take – neither side should be an authority figure,” says April. “This need to be the one in control can damage romantic relationships. Setting healthy boundaries and establishing a dynamic where both halves of the couple are seen as partners can overcome this trait.”

The Problem Of Perfectionism

Eldest children often feel they have to be perfect, both to meet their parent’s expectations and to set a good example to younger siblings. This obsession with being perfect can be expressed in other areas of life, leading to anxiety and depression when things don’t go their way. 

“No one in life is perfect, so aiming to be flawless often causes eldest children a lot of stress,” says April. “Reassure a partner who is the eldest child that they don’t have to be perfect all the time for the relationship between you to work.”

Looking For Leadership

Having been the leader in their sibling relationship, some eldest children gravitate toward leadership roles later in life. While these ambitions can set them up for incredible success, it can at times make them too career-focused. Setting clear expectations for how much time and effort should be dedicated to work and how much to the relationship should help solve this problem.

Struggling With Neuroticism

People who are overly neurotic often experience negative emotions more frequently and respond poorly to stress. Being neurotic can also lead to mental health problems like anxiety and depression. 

“The good news is that you can learn to manage negative emotions effectively,” says April. “Encourage your partner to work on this skill, and see if you can find some helpful advice. You could remind them of these techniques if they fall into a funk or set limits on when a certain thing can be complained about if it’s a frequent issue.”

April Davis, founder of LUMA Luxury Matchmaking, commented:

“Being an eldest child isn’t all bad! On the positive side, eldest children are known for being conscientious, extroverted, and well-behaved. If you’re looking for someone who will be polite, respectful of your feelings, and knows how to party without overdoing it, the eldest child might be the perfect match for you.

“Another key thing to remember is that these character traits aren’t set in stone. Not all eldest children are high-achievers, just like not all middle children are rebels. Researchers have observed that, while birth order does impact us immensely, there are so many other factors that influence us during childhood that being the eldest or youngest child is far from a guarantee that someone will express certain traits.”