Starting over in 2018

Blue Scarlet on…starting over

I refuse to use the word resolutions. That would mean that by resolving, I would have to make a firm commitment to succeed. As a dilettante who loses interest frighteningly easily, that would make any resolutions firmly null and void. Instead, I prefer to couch my wants and needs as a wish list.

2017 was, after a dark start, an awesome year. Following on the heels of 2016, the worst year of my life (I’m still bitter about Bowie’s shock passing in January; I still can’t forgive him, and George Michael’s death in December put the absolute tin lid on a futile year), it would appear that the following year was going to be as useless. Poor long-suffering Sonia was dragged to the cinema with me to see La-La Land, which had had great reviews, and started with an explosion of colour and music. However, the ending left us both in a state of bleak disbelief; the feel-good ending we both so badly needed denied. I thought we were doomed.

In the end, despite that little blip, 2017 blossomed into a great year, and here I stand at the start of 2018, unwilling to let go, but knowing that forward is the only way to go. I have always been guilty of living off past memories, but last year I learned to live in the present, and it made me a much more positive person. So what’s my next quest?

The first item on the list is my health. I have a cracking set of cheekbones; I don’t even need to remove my teeth or contour my face under layers of foundation as some poor women need to; it’s just that they are hidden under my chubby chops. This year I really will have to lose a few stone and keep it off. With my impending gallbladder operation around the corner, this is my chance to get it right (and use that poor forlorn gym membership that I have long neglected). Anyone who knows me will know that I’m forever trying to lose weight but lapse more than I’m successful. Well, no more excuses. I WILL move more this year, whether I’m paying for a class or just walking by my beloved beach. Luckily, this needs to be part of my recuperation from my operation, so it should be achievable.

Secondly, I am aiming to write something of substance. I am lucky that I indulge myself through this column (not as often as I should, I confess), but I need to have the discipline to see a complete project through and get something published. I’ve taken a more committed attitude to my writing by starting to jot down ideas in a little book an encouraging friend bought me for Christmas. Hopefully I can turn my ramblings into something that actually means something. Writing is good for the soul. By getting ideas and feelings out there onto paper, it gets rid of our inner frustrations and solidifies our creativity. Not that I’ve got many awesome ideas. Just the one idea, and once that starts to take the shape I want, I expect Hollywood will pester me daily until I settle for the best deal. I am joking, by the way, but I do have several ideas floating around so let’s see which ones stick. Again, my recuperation should be the perfect time to start shaping up some writing ideas.

Finally, I am not going to overthink this year. I am a cerebral person (which explains the chubbiness obviously), but in the past, my brain has managed to torture me and put bad thoughts in my head. This stress manifested itself as anxiety, which was awful at its worst. However, since I spoke about it, it has dissolved and my confidence, peace of mind and personality has slowly started to return. I don’t know where the anxiety has gone and I don’t care. I just don’t want it to return. I need to be vigilant though. A thoughtless comment by a friend, a negative self-judgement, even a joke, can all stop me momentarily in my tracks whilst I run my inner computer system to assess whether I am a terrible person. Luckily I am able to stop such negative reactions pretty quickly now. Recently, a very dear friend called me ‘facetious’ for making a glib comment. I was slightly hurt as in my mind, facetious meant obnoxious, and I felt a bit piqued by what I felt was a bit of a rebuff by someone I admire. Luckily, I decided to check the exact meaning and it’s not as horrible a word as I originally thought. Some of the synonyms I found were: witty, frivolous, playful, flippant. Phew. But therein lies a lesson. Anyone can educate you. And always check words in a dictionary/ thesaurus just in case. As someone who does the Fosbury Flop when jumping to conclusions, it’s probably the most important of my three wishes for 2018.