Time2Talk reply College Girl

Dear Time2Talk

Am I a horrible person?

I always seem to be helping out my friends but they never help me. I feel that they’re taking advantage of me but I can’t say no because I’ll feel bad about it and they make out that I’m a horrible person.

I’m 16 and just started college and should be looking forward to it but it just gets me down.

Thanks

College girl

Dear College girl,

This is a dilemma I hear quite often.

Firstly, based on what you have just emailed me, the answer to your question is ‘NO’; you are not a horrible person. In fact you sound like a very good friend that is, as you mentioned, being taken advantage of.

Let’s go back to basics with this. A healthy friendship/relationship is based upon certain characteristics. Research ‘healthy relationships’ and you will find the fundamental characteristics of a healthy friendship/relationship.

The main characteristic that stands out here, is, ‘Equality’. Every friendship/relationship should be based on this. This means that one person doesn’t deserve more than the other and this includes support. It’s a give and take thing.

Your email states that you seem to help them, but they don’t seem to help you? Does this sound like a healthy, positive friendship to you? The answer is ‘no’. Below are some tips and things to consider to help you resolve this, and hopefully you can then start to enjoy your college experiences.

Tips and things to consider:

• Start working on yourself i.e. building on your ‘Self Worth’. Start telling yourself “I’m worth more than this, and I deserve to have supportive, honest, trustworthy, considerate and encouraging friends in my life.’’
• Have you tried speaking to your friends about how you feel? You could say something like ‘’Hey girls, I always feel that I help you out, but sometimes I need support too.’’
• Work on your assertiveness skills and learn to say ‘no’. Assertiveness means stating your views clearly in a non- threatening and respectful way. Remember – It’s okay to say ‘no’.
• Have you asked them for help? They may feel that you are the ‘strong one’ and think that you can cope without their help?
• How long has this been going on for? Maybe it’s a phase and ‘all at once they all need your help’ and maybe they don’t realise the affect it’s having on you.
• If all else fails, ask yourself if they are really worth having in your life, if they make you feel so unhappy? Starting college is an exciting time for you and there are opportunities to make new friends too.

Good luck and remember that you deserve respect.

Gemma!