Time2Talk reply Lonely at Xmas

Dear Time2Talk

I’m not looking forward to Christmas at all this year.

It’s been a terrible year, my wife and I have split. This was mainly because of financial pressures as I lost my job. After this, the stress got to the both of us and we argued constantly.

I still love her and I think she loves me but we don’t seem able to communicate anymore without arguing.

Now, with Christmas coming I have no money for presents for my kids and the prospect of sitting all alone on Xmas day makes me really depressed.

Xmas day for me will involve waking up on a friends sofa, missing out on the kids opening their presents and then spending the day alone as my friend is away with family.

I’ve lost my confidence and I don’t want to go out, I used to have everything but now it’s gone!

I’ve lost hope and feel abandoned, is there any point in life????

Thanks

Lonely at Xmas

Dear Lonely at Xmas,

I don’t know the full details of your situation, but based on what you have emailed me, I will help you as much as I can.

I know that what I’m about to write will not help you with immediate effect, but it could put you on the path to moving forward with your life, and I think that’s what you want.

Christmas can be a very lonely time for so many people. A wise woman told me a long time ago, ‘that things never stay the same, situations change’. It’s an obvious statement but at the time of feeling low, we don’t think of things ever being different.

When you emailed me, I imagine you were feeling pretty low and thinking life isn’t good. As annoying as it may sound, the reality is that today or tomorrow maybe a better day for you.

Take it day by day and focus on the positive things you have to live for which are your children.

Have you and your wife discussed you being able to spend some time with the children on Christmas day? I know you said that you argue all the time, but I’m sure you could put your differences aside for the sake of your children especially on Christmas day.

You could buy a small present and put an IOU note inside that states that you will buy them something else once your finances are in order. Don’t forget it’s you they want to see on Christmas day more than a present.

Christmas is one day, and there will be many more.

You don’t need to be alone this Christmas. Ask at the Volunteering Centre in John Street about local charities that need your help on Christmas day. Helping others in need could also help you to feel better about yourself and increase your confidence. It could also take your mind off things even if just for a few hours that day.

2013 is a new year and a year to work things out with your relationship and work. You say you still love your wife and you think she still loves you? This means there could be hope for the relationship. Things may have calmed down after Christmas, and this could be an opportunity for you both to meet up at a neutral place (not at the family home), and talk (no arguments) through what the issues are.

Allow each other to speak and for both of you to express your hopes for the future. Discuss a moving forward plan e.g. giving the marriage another try or plans for separation. Be open and honest with each other.

I imagine that a lot has been said during the arguments between you both, and maybe you both need this time apart to figure out what it is that you both want.

You could also try ‘Relate’ relationship counselling, this is an excellent service and it may be good to gain some impartial advice.

It sounds like your confidence has taken a temporary tumble. Remember the saying ‘things don’t stay the same’. Take control of your life by making some decisions. Decide that in the New Year you’re going to job hunt. Say to yourself ‘ I will find a job, because I won’t stop looking until I’ve found one.’ Actively seek work, go to the Job Centre and ask them for help and also ask them for a list of training organisations that can help you find work too.

Think of 2013 as a year filled with opportunities that you are going to grab with both hands.

Relationships need time, don’t rush yourself or your wife, and when you’re both ready, you can discuss a plan to move forward. There are options for you and you can get through this challenging time.

If you feel that things are not improving with your low mood, you could try speaking to your GP for further support and advice.

If you need to speak to someone over Christmas, try contacting the Samaritans. They are there to listen to you and you can talk about anything and have no fear of being judged.

Useful numbers:

Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90

Llanelli Mind: 01554 752 751

Relate: 01267 236 737

Good luck and please let me know how things work out for you.

Best wishes,

Gemma.