Dear Time2Talk
I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years and we get on brilliantly. I’ve turned 30 and she will soon.
I think she wants us to make it more permanent and I would love too but I haven’t got enough money. She’s got a really great job but I’ve just been made redundant from one part time job and left stacking shelves which doesn’t pay much.
We also both live with our parents.
I know she would move in straight away and get engaged then married and have kids but I don’t want to be a ‘kept’ man. I want to pay my own way.
Also, how long should people go out with each other before committing? I think I also prefer not to make a decision until everything is in place.
Some friends have suggested that I just go ahead and move in together and get engaged etc as life is too short, but I don’t know.
Advice please.
Thanks
Kept Man
Dear Kept Man,
Firstly, I think it’s good that you are being financially sensible about this, because it is easy to get carried away and end up in debt.
Have you been open and honest to your girlfriend about your concerns? It’s wise to lay your financial situation on the table, and be real about whether you can afford to move in together at this moment in time.
You could try compromising and discuss the option of opening a joint bank account with both of you paying in an equal amount of money each month. This could cover a deposit, furniture etc… This will also be an opportunity to see if you can afford the monthly outgoings in running a home as well other outgoings. It’s probably a good idea to rent a place first rather than committing to a mortgage.
I believe that all relationships should be based on fairness and equality. However, as long as both parties are happy with any arrangements, including financial arrangements, then it is solely up to the people involved.
It’s okay to feel the way you do about this, and at the end of the day you want to contribute equally too, and if you feel that it would make you unhappy moving in and not contributing as much as you feel you should, then this is going to put extra strain on your relationship and affect your self esteem.
It’s great that you get on well and that there is a vision of settling down and starting a family. It’s wise to ensure that you are financially stable before further commitments are made. I know you are not earning much at this moment in time, but this could change in the near future.
Are you concerned that your girlfriend is worried that you are avoiding commitment? If this is the case, then like I have mentioned earlier, you need to sit down and openly discuss your concerns. Agree a plan of action to move forward, ensuring that both of you are happy with whatever arrangements are made.
There is no time limit to when couples should move in together, it’s purely up to the individuals involved and is different for everyone. I would say that when you do live with someone, you really do get to know that person properly.
Life is too short and your friends are right to say this, however, don’t let this pressurise you into something that you deep down have strong reservations about. You and your girlfriend will decide on what is best for you both and no-one else.
Good luck with the decision making!
Gemma.
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