The Remarkable Tale of (Spencer) Miles Lloyd & Those Krazy Koreans

I think I’m going to have to go and sort this little North Korea issue out. Why? Because they’re mental. That’s why. It’s all kicking off, eh? Kim Jong Un and his Backwards Band of Merry Men are going to nuke the world and I’m pretty sure that Mr. Un has no f**king idea what he’s doing.

One of his threats, and by far my favourite, is to bomb Texas. I like this for several reasons. The first one being that it’s actually kind of cute that they think they can reach that far. The whole world knows of their failed missile tests and how they can’t even reach as far as next doors pond, let alone the 4000 miles or whatever it is to Texas.

But another reason this is my favourite of all Silly Dick’eads threats is that they want to bomb Texas because it’s where George W. Bush is from. Now, I’m not sure where they get their information from but somebody needs to tell them that Georgie Boy has shit-all pull around the White House these days. If they’re going to bomb anywhere it should be Barak Obamas home-state, but there is no way in hell they can get their missiles to reach all the way to Nigeria.

Also, while we’re on the subject, George W. Bush isn’t even from Texas. He was born in Connecticut so can the Telegraph and The Sun please inform their writers that they are still full of s**t, even when trying to report on real news. I quite like George Bush, though. Yeah, he was an awful person to lead a “super-power” like the United States, a babbling half monkey, half child, half-brained fool, if you will, but that’s exactly why I like him.

Don’t you just think that he would be brilliant company to go for a few pints with? This is the man who once coined such gems as “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully”, “They misunderestimated me” and “”I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office”.

It’s all gold. Everything he says is comedy gold. But this following quote has to be my personal favourite of everything he has ever said. Now, he said this to tens of thousands of people and it was live on TV, so millions of people all in all. Also bear in mind that this man runs a country. This is what he said:

“Hell, you know what I say? If it feels good, do it.”

That is quite possibly the single worst thing you could possibly say in that position. Just tell everyone to do what the f*k they want, just as long as it feels good. Cook some meth! Murder some kids! Why not? You’re president just gave you permission. Mental. But I’m on about North Korea, not my favourite Bush.

Yeah, North Korea. I think I need to go in there and f**k ’em up. I’ll do it. I’ll be busting heads and kicking balls like the bastard, speed addicted, love-child of Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan.

SMASH!

KABOOSH!

PEW PEW PEW!

UUUUURGH!

That’s the sound of me getting s**t done. They have nukes? F**k them. I’ll eat their nukes. Underground tunnels into Seoul? I’ll shit in them. An army of a million with a reserve army of eight million? I’ll pimp-slap every single f**king one into Russia.

“But why, Miles? why would you put yourself at such risk and go to such efforts?” you may say. Well I’ll tell you why. Because nobody threatens to destroy the world as we know it on my watch. F**king Nobody. Destroying western civilisation is my job.

When I get to 45 and assuming all goes to plan, which it will, I am going to be bringing a s**t-storm of epic proportions down on everything and everyone in sight. Fire will fall from the skies, the oceans will rise and fall taking everything it their path, your women will whimper and your children will scream and you’re leaders will bow down and praise the name Miles Lloyd!

Then I’ll slip off a curb, land on my head and die from a brain hemorrhage. I’ll apologise in advance for all that, it’s just that when I become Prime Minister in 2026 I go a bit mad with power. I wont be able to help it though so don’t ask me to stop or change.

Also, I’m going to pull a semi-Hitler and kill my wife and kids, so sorry to you lot, too. I wont kill myself though. It’s just they were getting in my way and I wanted to use the kids room as a pool room.