Hippies and Environmentalists

by Mike Spudly, Llanelli’s Angriest Man.

Just for the record, just to make it clear, I f***ing hate environmentalists or hippies as we used to call them not so many years back. They drive me bat**** crazy with their incessant moaning.

The way I see it there are basically two raging and competing forces in humanity at the moment one which wants the future to be like Star Trek/Star Wars in which humanity uses awe inspiring technology to solve the problems of mankind whilst the other wants the future to be like Middle Earth where we all dress up in chainmail, solve all arguments with swords and rely on external threats like Orcs, Dragons and giant spiders to keep the surplus population down and if that won’t work, we’ll all just have some massive armies go at it so often and for so long that mankind cannot help but have a diminishing carbon footprint.

Thing is though we’ve already tried the second option in the past, which is why I prefer the first option, the star-trek/star wars style future (and it must work because you never saw a tax disc on Luke’s speeder or a congestion charge in Mos Eisley).

What these thick f***ing environmentalists need to get into their fat f***ing heads is that if you can solve mankind’s energy problems then you not only save mankind but you also save the planet. Instead they would rather all live in grass huts, with a moss roof and cluster around the forge at night to keep warm and tell tales of olden days (when nasty people had cars and you could fly around the whole planet in less than a day).

They would roast potatoes in the same forge, eat (sustainable) rabbit stew and enjoy snails as a delicacy (as there’s so many of them about). “Hey being an environmentalist does not mean giving up the finer things in life,” they’d claim as they passed you some carbon neutral twigs to eat. Then a fight would break out when someone points out that the rabbits and the snails are foreign invaders brought here by the Romans and as such are unbalancing our eco-system, before someone tables a motion to remove all potatoes from the British Isles (even the one’s just planted) as they too are an environmental predator and not native to these isles having come from South America…

That’s the kicker, they are always trying to reverse the flow of time with the ultimate goal of removing mankind’s influence from the earth. I mean how far back do they want to go, do we get rid of grey squirrels so our native red can live in peace, what about the new black squirrels that are displacing both the red and the grey. How about reintroducing bears and wolves to the UK!

Just because they like living in harmony with the forest, eating deadfall twigs (not too many mind you as deadfall wood is an important habit for something or other) doesn’t mean that we all should do the same. They are actually environmental fascists incapable of understanding the fact that human beings are animals and are equally entitled to use the environment to his or her best advantage.

They all sigh in awe when a beaver builds a dam across the river and happily state that it’s a joy to behold, if a human being builds a dam across the river it’s instantly evil and an environmental catastrophe! That’s the point. They hate their own species so much that they don’t see that we too are a part of nature, doing natural things with our high intelligence and opposable thumbs..

Every animal seeks to make the best of their environment, that’s nature and to be fair most of them don’t give a rats arse about the wellbeing of any species. We do however and whilst I support the sentiment I f***ing hate the self appointed, self righteous tw*ts doing it. They will not be happy until we’re extinct.

A few years ago, an undiscovered tribe was ‘discovered’ in the Amazon, there was a big ‘hoo ha’ amongst the luddites environmentalists as to whether they should be contacted. I remember reading their comments on the Daily Mail website (as like a lot of people I check in every now and again to get my dose of right wing hate!)

Anyhow some waxed poetically about how confusing these people must find the night skies as our satellites went overhead and what this might do to their mythologies or religions etc. Others said that they shouldn’t be contacted, not now or ever as we would all pollute their culture and destroy their identity. Nevermind about their culture, they hated their own, that somehow we’re all so dirty and environmentally damaging that we’re the pollutants when these people don’t even have f***ing clothes or medicine and use their own sh*t to mend the walls of their mud huts. More Grubs anyone!

Lets be honest there are many benefits to living in a technologically progressing society such as cures, remedies and treatments for popular diseases and ailments such as cholera, plague, diphtheria, polio and jaguar bites not to mention cancer, heart disease or the infirmities of age.  Next time an elderly relative dies peacefully in his or her sleep, be mindful that the environmentalists would rather this be done without painkillers after all, all chemicals are evil… They’d rather have you chew bark instead.

In stark contrast others called them ‘tw*ts’ for many of the reasons listed above. Apart from the fact that they want to remove mankind from the natural order of things, the one thing that I hate the most about them is that they spend all of their energy moaning about modern life instead of supporting the one thing that can save us all and that one thing is science.

Proper, well researched, peer reviewed and academically scrutinised science. Not corporate science from the likes of Monsanto (who couldn’t be more evil than the Empire in star wars if they tried), but science for humanity’s sake. Like the honorable Tim Berner’s Lee. The man invented the internet and gave it away to all of humanity. Now I shudder to think what would have happened if the likes of Microsuck Microsoft or Crapple Apple had invented the internet.

Anyhow hippies environmentalists won’t agree, but all I ask is that people who are passionate about the planet should put their energy into creating a sustainable future with proper reliable, renewable technologies that don’t require anyone to sacrifice the quality of their current lives.

Also the term environmentalist should only be applied to people who seek scientific solutions to environmental problems that actually benefit people as opposed to punishing them for being alive right now! F*** the Hippies bring on the Environmentalists…