What’s Going on in Your Local Area? or: Guess The News!

I’ve come up with a brilliant new game I’m going to start playing. what I do is:

You know those posters outside of shops with one of the local headlines on it? Well you have to guess the story.

Sometimes the headlines are brilliantly vague and I’m not sure whether-or-not it’s deliberate, so instead of buying the paper to find out I’m just going to make it up here for you. It’s probably more fun than the actual story as the news here can be either very depressing or very boring. I’m going to start with yesterdays headline:

Sign courtesy of Pen-y-Fan Stores. Thanks, Akram!

Shots Help Llanelli Girl Score. Well there’s one of two things I think this story  could be. The first:

An ugly girl was out in town, dancing with her more attractive friends and she wasn’t getting the attention from the boys that she craved. Eventually all of her slut friends f**ked off with a boy each to get fingered under the multi-story car-park and she was left all alone. But she had a plan! Yes, all was not lost for our pug-ugly friend. You see, she noticed a man drinking at the bar, probably in Stamps, and she went to stand next to him to order drinks, because this is how women flirt. They stand next to you then blank your conversation, but I digress.

“Alright?” She says to him.

“Aye, not bad like butt, you know?” He replies, trying his best not to look at her to avoid having to bleach his eyes.

“D’ewe wannadrinkorwha?” She asks in a horrible, high-pitch voice. You know the voice I mean. It sounds like a duck getting dragged through a bush backwards and raped simultaneously.

“No, your alright” He replies, hoping she leaves him alone. This doesn’t work, as she gets four Sambucas in. Two each. They drink them together as it would be ruse for his to say no after she had bought them. He loosens up a bit. They have some more Sambucas, maybe an aftershock, who knows? Then they start to dance and she begins to grind against him the way women seem to do and he starts to think “Well, she isn’t actually that bad as it goes”.

Well anyway, one thing leads to another and they end up f**king behind the Job Centre.

That’s scenario one of Shots Help Girl Score. The second:

Someone on a girls under-12′s football team was taking ‘roids.

I’m going to assume it was both of those, as I know this town.